The first truth is that it has been a very long time since I wrote, this I just realised. I was wondering why I was being so thinky lately and it's because I'm not getting the stuff out of my head. Not that that is always needed but often it helps me in the processing of emotions and such, so I woke up this morning with a strong urge to write, and here I go...
Second truth is that it has been a while since I feel good enough to write anything. I was in a very negative space and so writing would have been a lot of the same, just ask anyone who was around me at the time. Most of what I was talking about was how bad I felt and how awful life was, or is. Now I'm feeling better finally and able to turn things around to a view that aligns more with where I have been in my life before this time.
More truths are coming, just not going to count them all down lol.
I think it started in the U.S. last year, in May. When I was at the place I called home for about 5 weeks. I enjoyed my family and seeing my students and friends, but the biggest thing was all my old patterns were there as well. And it seemed they were waiting for me to pick them right back up, one of them being my negative ways of thinking. It was just a seed, but it was enough to start building something from and over the next months when I went to Germany it propagated itself, then in Mysore it kept going, then when I arrived in Goa it just took full blossom.
In Goa to study with my favourite teacher outside of Sharath I could not get my mind out of the worst feeling place I may ever have been in in my life. So it slowly manifested in my body, a wrist, then both elbows, then some arthritis like symptoms in my hands and forearms, then my back, then this liver detox happened, now most is gone or going away but my shin bones are in full pain almost constantly, then randomly not anymore.
I basically felt like I was dying most of the time in Morjim, and was trying to keep my head above water. Then I left to Purple Valley to assist Harmony and slowly got better there. The food is high quality and I was assisting so wasn't able to sit in my head for long periods of time and make things worse, thank god. Finally during those two weeks I could see a bit of light from behind the clouds.
When I went back to Morjim I immediately began to feel worse again, so maybe it's the energy of the place there, not sure. It could also have been that I just remembered how bad I felt while I was there. So after some trouble trying to leave, a story for another time, I finally was able to procure a bus ticket to Mysore.
Now I'm in Mysore, my practice has slowly built back up with no pain during it. I am flat broke but able to make a few rupees here and there leading people to some temples and a good friend is letting me stay in a room in a building of his for free. So I'm doing better and each day seems to get better even.
I even lined up a teaching gig in Mumbai for two months at this new place that was being kicked off by Kino and Tim with a weekend of workshops. That was a space being rented in a Sindhi temple and some of the trustees of the temple are now opposing the program to happen there, so it's not going to happen at the scheduled start time, possibly later but not now.
Now, I am ready to teach, I love it, it's part of my path, but I also am ready to have an income. My income the last 6 months in Germany sucked more than any I've had in my life. So it's not just about me feeling better now and following my path, it's about me being able to eat and pay rent.
I know it seems like I'm just bitching and moaning still, but really this is all about that even though all these things have been happening I still feel okay. I still feel it will all work out and that as one obstacle has snuck it, a solution came not far behind, so too this problem with the income I know will be okay.
It's just a matter of faith. Faith which is something I've based my whole life on, but got so far away from these past three months that I'm finding it hard to make my way back to it, but damn it I am. I'm not sugar coating anything, I'm embracing what comes, but I really feel okay and at peace.
Is this the next level of yoga? I've always strived toward equanimity, is this what it feels like? To feel almost well and at peace in even the most exaggerated circumstances? If so I'll take it, it's not a bad place to be...